Death By the Novel

It doesn’t take a whiz to take a guess at how deadly the spine of a novel could be. What takes a whiz, though, is to be dead-on about how deadly an e-novel equally could be. I a no-whiz didn’t know it until I got a call from my friend a whiz asking if I knew whether or not the extended warranty covered a display-shattered, blood-spattered two-year-old Kindle. It transpired he was reading Fight Club as he clubbed with it a mischievous mouse. Holy moly, man! I didn’t know you could do that. I’ve had my share of kills – lizards crushed with Snow Crash, beetles smashed with Metamorphosis, ants pulped with Battle Royale, but to kill with an e-novel, that’s unheard of.

While that’s impressive I’d contend there are things an e-novel couldn’t do that only a novel could. Mosquitoes could be squeezed between the pages while you’re at the middle of a novel. That act of killing couldn’t yet be performed with the e-novel but the days of foldable e-reader isn’t far off. Now shooing off mosquitoes by flipping the pages of Don Quixote, that could never be performed, not even with a foldable e-novel. This therefore makes the novel more deadly! Whiz goes, Oh!

I’ve almost always failed at my felling of Hymenoptera with a He-Man. That and dropping an Absolute Sandman onto a tile to find the cockroaches sandwiched between the split tile and sand would prove graphic novels could be deadly too. No! Now perhaps if you’re reading on your desktop ,or laptop, you could split the tile and squash the cockroaches with them motherboards and that would mean the e-novel could be as deadly too but the chance of Hymenoptera being fell by either is rather slim while you could almost certainly fell them with either the front or backside of the trade paperback.

On the other hand, with Cat’s Cradle the novel you could barely shoo off a cat but with the e-novel if it be a laptop you could do serious damage to the cat’s mobility and with the desktop you could send the cat straight to its grave. I mean you could cause so much death even with a mini classic if it were an e-novel. This therefore makes the e-novel deadlier! Yes, so, what are we up to here – the novel is deadly, the graphic novel is deadly too and the e-novel is deadlier? Well, but!

Perhaps the novel and the graphic novel are quite flexible and handy you could make paper fans and paper planes out of them. You could smell the pulp or paint too if you wanted to. The bottom-line being the novel is handy. Oh! The e-novel on the other hand is not so flexible yet is more or less solid and trendy. It’s so solid you could make it do things a novel couldn’t and so trendy you could find your way home with it in times of blackouts. Definitely so the e-novel is trendy. Yes! Now, we couldn’t possibly be wishing the novel were trendier and the e-novel handier or, for that matter, deadlier.

 

‘The Novel, I suspect, might prove to be deadlier than the Author.’ – Attributed, this time, to Boland Arthelmed

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Six Short Ones

Six Short Ones are live now at Spork Press – six prose pieces that include That Multifaceted Dunsboy!, If by a Time-Machine You Go, ‘You are Not Simply to Be,’  Speaks Our Fastmodernist, and also A Logical Procession plus a wee bit more. Do read, do tell. Go back to Spork and read lot more.

So that You May Honor Our Trailers

Our Dear Academy Members

We write again, as you know, not for the first time, requesting you all once again to honor movie trailers. We’ve noted, we note again, the declining quality of not just Best Picture nominees but of almost all nominees to the extent were the noose of merit to tighten a tad tighter there would be at best two worthy nominees in some categories, one in some other and none in many.

On the other hand there is the telling rise of quality trailers to the extent spectators walk out minutes after the screening of trailers, moments after main features commence, not without infecting movie theaters with whistles and claps at the unfolding of trailers, not without demanding replays when trailers end too short or be too subtle.

Trailers may be shorter than, say, Animated Short or Live Action Short (Film?), but their artistic merit, the singular effort that goes in to creating trailers, cannot be denied and the emotional impact and/or bafflement they create upon spectators can be as great as and even greater than what the latter art forms are believed to create.

Out of hundred trailers screened, ten of them—roughly, that is—happen to be solid. The same cannot be said about full-length movies. When there happens to be more than one good movie for every hundred, such a moment is often avowed as incredible. This once again guarantees, when contrasted against other works, the high nominatability of meritorious trailer works.

In order to validate the case, our team of trailer enthusiasts, all professional, have conducted interviews and gathered data from around the globe wherein the multitude of spectators confess how they cannot endure the unduly repetitive assault of tried and tired narrative devices and sub-devices such as Recoverage, Monometh, Below History Amputation, Unwarranted Nudity (Or the Lack of Appropriate Nudity), Hyperviolence (Or Chekhov’s Automatic), Politiselytization and Whatnot and that they would much rather prefer quiet blank screens or exclusive trailer screenings.

We have employed calibrated lie detectors to ensure the truthfulness of the statements and it is not less than ninety-eight percent, to put it gently. Along those reports there are also theses papers, some of which will soon be doctoral, all enclosed to dear members here below, in hopes that Trailer may be honored and will subsequently be culturally, historically, and aesthetically insignificant no more.

Yours Truly

Trailer Enthusiasts Independents

Enclosures:

Today’s Thirteens are Yesterday’s Twen-teens?: A Major Resistance to Reform

Decline of Movie Piracy and Rise of Trailer Privacy

Truth Calibrated Lie Detectors, Inc.: Statements

Quotable Spectators and Competent Lay Critics

Middle Easts Interviewed at Last

Patil’s Data from the Subcontinents

Americas, Wherelse!: The Lundrigan Report

A Perplexing Case of Never-Grow-up Directors

Françoise from Europes and Exotic Urban Elsewheres

Koreas, Chinas, Australias, Africas, Russias, Japans’ Off-the-Wall Preferences

One in Many or Many in One: A Brief Yet Detailed Critique of Trailers in Grindhouse

Quote Misquote

“I don’t know it with certainty, but if you can get past the blankness and buggery, I suppose, there’s lot of complimentary processed bugs.”

–Franz Kafka

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“My disbelief in dog and doghood is heightened time and again by the existence of cat and cathood.”

–William Seward Burroughs II

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“Go digital. Why author at the expense of the reader’s bleeding ink.”

–Attributed to Warren Girard Ellis

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“I is other people.”

–Jean-Paul Charles Aymard Sartre

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“Universe is only human.”

–Jorge Francisco Isidoro Luis Borges

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“You shall not have dominion over anything or anybody except yourself.”

–A Tribal God, having come into its senses

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“If you are not with us, you are without us?”

–You Know Who

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“I am tao.”

–Brian Cohen, to the perplexed spectators, in Monty Python’s The Meaninglessness of Wife

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“When I stand up to think, there comes into view crystal clearly the presence of many minds.”

–Philip Kindred Dick

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“It’s lie.”

–Edward Barney, on the proper pronunciation of the word life

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“It is fatalistic to have a plot and capitalistic to have sub-plots.”

–Subimal Misra, Infinite Finitudes of Post-Industry Establishments

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“The primary role of a leader is to applaud when the public speaks.”

–Terence Vance Gilliam

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“Be fragmatic.”

–Bernardo Soares

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“Why does my pepsi taste fishy?”

–Attributed to Lana Del Rey

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“Tell me about it.”

–The Canvassing Politician

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“It shouldn’t come as a surprise if I say, after millennia of our existence and centuries of so-called civilization, we still don’t know the proper way to copulate.”

–Susan Sontag, Polynesian Grooms

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“So then, it must be noted, even Dostoievski, or Tolstoy for that matter, was not a realist.”

–Viktor Borisovich Shklovskii

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“How can you not see Family is a breeding ground for many a corruption and evil?”

–Jesus of Nazareth, writing in the sand, beneath the men brandishing stones

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“We wear many hates.”

–Robert Allen Zimmerman

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“I sing the body electronic.”

–Amon Adonai Santos de Araújo Tobin

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“Would you prefer my calling that state, of your mermaid and merman post-coitus, merlaid.”

–Douglas Noel Adams

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“I knew a man who’d much rather be a fly trapper. Did I say flytrap? Yes, I did.”

–Dr. Gregory House

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“I don’t know if you can see it, but it’s supposed to be invisible.”

–Jean-Luc Godard’s Lemmy Caution

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“Most cases of Martyrdom fall under either suicide by state, public or ex-brethren.”

–Elaine Pagels, née Hiesey

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“Man is not a machine. I couldn’t shut down and boot you and then not get myself locked up for it.”

–Avul Pakir Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam

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“The book is reading a woman.”

–Luis Buñuel Portolés

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“The mad ones that live and love to come inside women coil out of repulsion at the mention of withdrawal. There, method—it becomes a thing of dread.”

–A Post-AIDS sexologist

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“You just simply couldn’t undermine what I call the-book-of-revelation fetish that’s so infectiously prevalent.”

–Anonymous

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“Mistrust salutes, and absolutes all the more, all the time.”

–François-Marie Arouet

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“There are as many authenticities as there are people. I know a globetrotter would disagree. S/he would likely say there are many authenticities per person.”

–Attributed to Gilles Deleuze

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“I get the whiff of Baudelaire’s fleeting Modernity from the distant foreseeable future. That’s perhaps the state we’ll be forever stuck in. That’s unless the Body Capital happens to run itself dry. Which is to say it will be never or too late.”

–James Graham Ballard

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“Humankind is the end. Certainly not the center. Even more certainly not the beginning.“

– Simone Weil

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In SmokeLong Quarterly’s 40th

cover40

Cover art “Carjacking” by Mark Maggiori

You wouldn’t for once be wrong about judging a mag or book, vide SmokeLong Quarterly’s 40th issue, as: Deep and Clever, solely by its cover. While I must remain nonjudgmental about the “story” of mine featured in there, I needn’t vouch for the rest of the stories in there, either. I mean, the cover. The cover! THE COVER