This, a bit long yet not too long a short, prose piece called Graves to Cradle is live at Apparent Magnitude, a zine for speculative fiction
Our Dear Academy Members
We write again, as you know, not for the first time, requesting you all once again to honor movie trailers. We’ve noted, we note again, the declining quality of not just Best Picture nominees but of almost all nominees to the extent were the noose of merit to tighten a tad tighter there would be at best two worthy nominees in some categories, one in some other and none in many.
On the other hand there is the telling rise of quality trailers to the extent spectators walk out minutes after the screening of trailers, moments after main features commence, not without infecting movie theaters with whistles and claps at the unfolding of trailers, not without demanding replays when trailers end too short or be too subtle.
Trailers may be shorter than, say, Animated Short or Live Action Short (Film?), but their artistic merit, the singular effort that goes in to creating trailers, cannot be denied and the emotional impact and/or bafflement they create upon spectators can be as great as and even greater than what the latter art forms are believed to create.
Out of hundred trailers screened, ten of them—roughly, that is—happen to be solid. The same cannot be said about full-length movies. When there happens to be more than one good movie for every hundred, such a moment is often avowed as incredible. This once again guarantees, when contrasted against other works, the high nominatability of meritorious trailer works.
In order to validate the case, our team of trailer enthusiasts, all professional, have conducted interviews and gathered data from around the globe wherein the multitude of spectators confess how they cannot endure the unduly repetitive assault of tried and tired narrative devices and sub-devices such as Recoverage, Monometh, Below History Amputation, Unwarranted Nudity (Or the Lack of Appropriate Nudity), Hyperviolence (Or Chekhov’s Automatic), Politiselytization and Whatnot and that they would much rather prefer quiet blank screens or exclusive trailer screenings.
We have employed calibrated lie detectors to ensure the truthfulness of the statements and it is not less than ninety-eight percent, to put it gently. Along those reports there are also theses papers, some of which will soon be doctoral, all enclosed to dear members here below, in hopes that Trailer may be honored and will subsequently be culturally, historically, and aesthetically insignificant no more.
Trailer Enthusiasts Independents
Today’s Thirteens are Yesterday’s Twen-teens?: A Major Resistance to Reform
Decline of Movie Piracy and Rise of Trailer Privacy
Truth Calibrated Lie Detectors, Inc.: Statements
Quotable Spectators and Competent Lay Critics
Middle Easts Interviewed at Last
Patil’s Data from the Subcontinents
Americas, Wherelse!: The Lundrigan Report
A Perplexing Case of Never-Grow-up Directors
Françoise from Europes and Exotic Urban Elsewheres
Koreas, Chinas, Australias, Africas, Russias, Japans’ Off-the-Wall Preferences
One in Many or Many in One: A Brief Yet Detailed Critique of Trailers in Grindhouse
Don’t you fake bafflement!
It’s I, too. Frankly,
It’s everyone around you
Now that you know what I mean
When I say it’s you, doc,
Let’s get to affixing you with eff